Everyday you lose your past

After getting your heart broken, after getting rejected or rejecting someone there is a new force that will come over you.

You feel every kind of emotion that you thought was not possible, you undergo certain stages especially if it was your first love or if you have invested so much in that relationship.


I am one of those individuals who had an epic rejection from someone I really loved with all my heart, just like any heart broken individual I went through the  5 stages of  grief...the denial, anger,  bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The truth is I have loved every minute of my rejection--it was like a masterpiece--an artwork waiting to happen--life became an open canvass--there was meaning because you did not understand something and you suddenly rode on a train named exciting.. getting rejected and getting your heart broken is something empowering if you do not allow it to transform you into a monster.

Instead of getting a new partner immediately after getting my heart broken... I did not want to get entangled with someone else after the break-up..Instead I wanted to find myself.

I started joining organizations, protests, photo shoots, modeling projects, tree planting projects I joined every possible group in and out of the city of Baguio.

The truth is I felt so devastated and lost, it was my first time to have a real relationship at the age of 19.

It lasted for 4 years and we were supposed to get married...but due to a lot of differences between us we ended breaking up.( Yeah, I do realize now its not the most tragic thing in the world)

Although this might be a weird confession the truth is that I honestly loved my heart broken identity, the woman who had to do something about her life  because she cannot get the guy she wanted. I still tried to get him back which was one of the stupidest but most creative thing I ever did in my life.


For almost 2 years that was me...I was the girl who got rejected twice...I was the girl who despite being successful in my social life was not able to find the reason why he could not love me back---this identity was so strong--and in order to get rid of it I had to give my 300% energy.

and then  all of a sudden while I was riding a taxi cab late at night I realized that I have already lost this identity..without me noticing I got transformed into this new person...someone who joined events and groups because she finally understood that it was  important...that it was great to learn something beyond my own personal affairs...instead of crying out that I was a victim...I took charge of my life and made certain steps to change my image...the picture that I detested the most...the heartbroken, bitter woman...

I tried everything, I planted a lot of pine tree seedlings and still want to plant more.. I climbed Mt. Pulag, I befriended the LGBT community sector...I became friends with a lot of Baguio artists...I became friends with environmentalists...I reached out to any one who needed my attention...I gave my time and forgot all of my life drama...

I had to find myself...I had to reinvent myself, I had to be someone else apart from this woman who is just bitter and scorned...

The energy of a heartbroken woman was so strong...I was even able to live alone in Thailand for 3 months...in fact I was able to accomplish so many things after my heart got broken..

I became friends with every possible group you can think of in Baguio just so I can find myself. Who am I...and right now after joining so many groups I can finally create my own path..

.I began to understand what I really wanted in life...or at least I believe I am closer to an authentic life...



 Everyday we lose our past. I lost it, without noticing the days went by and I was no longer the heartbroken girl...lost and trying my very best to cope with what I cannot change. I am no longer defined by my past experiences...I was able to change the picture of my life...

I have learned that:

You cannot change the mind of someone who has decided they don't love you anymore, you can try... you can try as many times as you want--but every step will also make you realize--that if you love yourself you don't need to chase anyone--you don't need to prove your worth to anyone...those who truly value you will stay and see that worth.

I was able to realize who I really was by getting my heart broken.

Realizing that I lost the past every day...I just can't help but feel relaxed. I sometimes miss the feeling of the scorned bitter woman which is a normal feeling for someone who is suddenly so calm and peaceful...

I miss the feeling of crying because I lost someone...because I can't cry anymore..I had less and less reasons to be sad about life, my days are filled with laughter, with grin, with smiles with amazement and never ending interest...

I miss blaming someone else for why my life is fucked up...but then you wake up one day and realize you cannot blame anyone...it is you alone who has to face the music...

it is only you who is responsible for your happiness...and then you take charge--you get hold of your life and you start taking the steps to the real you.



I miss the ability of writing so many poems about my heart ache and the love that was not reciprocated, but after awhile it gets old.

Sometimes I try to recreate the strong energy of wanting someone so much...but then I can't fake something I don't feel anymore. I'd rather plant somewhere, I'd rather be cooking in an event somewhere, I would rather be baking somewhere...I would rather be traveling...than crying my heart out...

Without realizing it...TIME healed me and I began to accept.

The acceptance was not immediate but it came...it came without me noticing for a very long time.

 I sometimes wish I can still feel that much--but life has transformed me. I wish I was still that innocence but my mind works faster now...

You can't choose to remain feeling like you are still a caterpillar when you already know you can spread your wings because you are now  without a doubt a butterfly...

You just realize that you are not lonely anymore.

I used to stare at the stars feeling the inner longing of my soul for someone that will never go back.
In the end we don't own anyone and nobody owns us...we are just here to face life from day to day...

 I used to stare at the sky for hours wondering...nowadays I just go near the terrace and look at the stars and how lovely they are.

It is true...every day you lose your past, every day you become someone new.

 Hang in there you who are just starting the path to healing your heart..you will after putting all of your effort..Stare at the sky in peace--yes...stare at the sky in peace--one day sooner than expected...

One day like me you will sleep at night with a calm mind--you just have to fight for it and want it so bad...just like every heart broken woman in the world who was able to heal their heart....

Are you in an abusive relationship?

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Why are more women choosing to be single?

The Philippines has strong family ties embedded in their culture, which means that if you are still single at the age of 26 with no kids you are an instant " center of attention" in the family especially if your parents and family members have been meaning to see you get married and have a child.
Times have changed, in the past it is normal to see 18 year old women getting married early. 

Nowadays a lot of women even Filipina women are open to being a single mother. To them, it provides lesser stress and lesser worries. Women will only get married if they can guarantee a man's loyalty and ability to provide for the family. Those women who choose to marry despite the infidelity and gambling habits of men they have married tend to take so much more abuse..which in reality they can escape from if the wanted.

This in the past was accepted due to the fact that not a lot of Filipina women can earn their own living. If you do not have your own job, and if you cannot pay for your expenses..then you would need to get the help of a guy who can provide it for you--but today due to a lot of working opportunities this is no longer a welcome idea to many...especially educated women.
In the past women  had to rely with the help of their husbands who are working  in the city or outside the country.

Much have changed when it comes to the  perception of society of what the proper marrying age is. If you are 26 years old 15 years ago and you still do not have any husband or children--you will already be called an old maid. 

People will start worrying for you and will start matching you up with all sorts of male friends the family has... although some of these beliefs have remained, a lot of things have also changed. A lot of people will no longer recommend an early  marriage.

1. Common Trend in many countries all over the world-  Today, there are over 50 percent of U.S residents that are single, this trend is no different from what is happening in China, Singapore, Korean and other countries.

 Nearly a third of all households have just one resident, and a lot of  35-year old live alone or are choosing to live alone especially women.
Changes like this in the social trend have been named as the " Peter Pan Syndrome", it seems as if more and more   people want to avoid the traditional concept of family life and want to extend their life as a single individual free from the responsibilities of family life.

Some women just like to have their own space, travel to a lot of locations, go home whenever they want.
Freedom that was not given to them before, while some countries like India has yet to come out of the oppressive situation they are in, women in the Philippines are now enjoying so much freedom compared before.

 Women can now dress and live according to how they want.
Women can have a date once in a while, go to the movies without any strings attached and get to relax after work days instead of doing the laundry and cooking the meal.

Women no longer want to just cook the dishes and do the laundry...a lot of women are running their own business now, have their own cars and are able to be who they want to be, thanks to feminism and the women who fought for the right to independence. Finally, men and women can be equal and they can have a chance to be on a partner status instead of getting married together just to be able to sustain their daily expenses. Men and women are now given the chance to evolve on a higher emotional level because of the changes that have taken  place in society.



What women are saying?

Some have a misconception that some single women are just overly picky, some believe that women are single because they are unattractive or there is something wrong with them and the way they live.  However there are various reasons why women are choosing to be single nowadays.

1. Lack of Suitable partners or Bachelors- this can be based on geography, perception and sociology. A lot of single Filipina women have been able to study and are even able to extend their learning until the Masteral Level. 

This means that  their choices for a partner would include males that have actual jobs, can raise the family and can equal them in intelligence and skill. 

Traditionally women will select men whom they can feel protected and secure, if women can already provide this protection and security in life on their own...there are lesser reasons to stay and try to have a relationship.

In the United States for example there are 74 Single men to 100 single Women. Women are having a hard time selecting a partner that they deem as suitable for marriage.

 Unlike before women can already earn their own living and can help pay their own rent, they can choose to support their own lifestyle and help the family at the same time, which gives women less and less reason to put up with a relationship if it is not working for them.

2.  Choosing to focus on careers- a lot of single women have had bad experiences in previous relationships, some have been dumped without justifiable cause, some have been rejected and some have experience being cheated on. 

These reasons have  caused them to choose to focus on their career, some single women believe that it would be better to be accomplished instead of focusing on relationships that no longer benefit them in the long run. 

If they can excel in the work that they do, they already feel fulfilled. A relationship they say is too draining to focus on,  especially for women who have decided to take on a higher degree.

 Relationships in many ways take a lot of time and attention, many single women would rather choose to give the attention to their own self, if they feel that they are ready that is the only time they will try to seek a relationship.  By having this kind of mind set, women can better prepare themselves, they can decide if they want to be more patient or work things out with a guy they really love, or let go and focus on other important things in life.



3. Fear- the idea of fear is what keeps a lot of women from diving into a relationship, some are already afraid to commit and get married. The fear of being hurt again or not meeting the expectations of people around them.

 Getting married will entail a lot of responsibility not just from the husband-wife relationship, but also with potential kids and additional family members that a woman has to be able to cater to in order to make sure that everything will be alright.
Commitment phobia is becoming a thing with modern women, if they can get
 all of the things they want without really  saying yes to commitment--they would choose to be in a position of freedom.




4. Freedom- the concept of freedom to single women means that they don't need the opinion of a boyfriend or husband to do whatever they want, they need not answer to anyone and they don't need to be controlled by anyone. 
Women like to go home at any time they want, if they want to travel they can do so, if they want to change their career or set up a business they can do so without much interruption.

5. Expectations- modern women have been raised to endless telenovelas and movie series telling them about love and how it is supposed to be. 

They expect to be treated well, taken care of, they expect their man to be faithful, loyal and loving and they will no longer settle for less. 

Modern women who earn their own living and can pay for their own sustenance would not want to be troubled with all the fuss a relationship can bring.



6. Children- due to economic circumstances, a lot of women are afraid of getting pregnant and having kids. Women are still afraid that they won't be able to provide for the needs of their future kids and are not able to find a suitable man who can also provide well for the family, and since they cannot find one they would rather be single and just mind their own life.



....................................................................................................

 There are no exact reasons why a woman is single, some men say that they don't like dependent and needy women but some men would also say that they do not like women who are too independent and not needy enough.

There is no exact formula, but it has a lot to do with not wanting to worry anymore about another person's expectations in a relationship. If a person can keep on living happy being single, they will choose to do so.

Modern women who have been educated, earn their own living and have the chance to explore are some of the luckiest women in the world.

 Although there is still much pressure from family members to fulfill a traditional role, it is up to the woman to live her life. 

The good thing about what is happening right now is that women can choose if they really want to get married, they can decide if they want to go on a long term and they are given more time to explore who they are and to do so much more.

Single women who will never get married and have kids are still doing epic with their lives.--especially in the community.