You feel every kind of emotion that you thought was not possible, you undergo certain stages especially if it was your first love or if you have invested so much in that relationship.
I am one of those individuals who had an epic rejection from someone I really loved with all my heart, just like any heart broken individual I went through the 5 stages of grief...the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The truth is I have loved every minute of my rejection--it was like a masterpiece--an artwork waiting to happen--life became an open canvass--there was meaning because you did not understand something and you suddenly rode on a train named exciting.. getting rejected and getting your heart broken is something empowering if you do not allow it to transform you into a monster.
Instead of getting a new partner immediately after getting my heart broken... I did not want to get entangled with someone else after the break-up..Instead I wanted to find myself.
I started joining organizations, protests, photo shoots, modeling projects, tree planting projects I joined every possible group in and out of the city of Baguio.
The truth is I felt so devastated and lost, it was my first time to have a real relationship at the age of 19.
It lasted for 4 years and we were supposed to get married...but due to a lot of differences between us we ended breaking up.( Yeah, I do realize now its not the most tragic thing in the world)
Although this might be a weird confession the truth is that I honestly loved my heart broken identity, the woman who had to do something about her life because she cannot get the guy she wanted. I still tried to get him back which was one of the stupidest but most creative thing I ever did in my life.
For almost 2 years that was me...I was the girl who got rejected twice...I was the girl who despite being successful in my social life was not able to find the reason why he could not love me back---this identity was so strong--and in order to get rid of it I had to give my 300% energy.
and then all of a sudden while I was riding a taxi cab late at night I realized that I have already lost this identity..without me noticing I got transformed into this new person...someone who joined events and groups because she finally understood that it was important...that it was great to learn something beyond my own personal affairs...instead of crying out that I was a victim...I took charge of my life and made certain steps to change my image...the picture that I detested the most...the heartbroken, bitter woman...
I tried everything, I planted a lot of pine tree seedlings and still want to plant more.. I climbed Mt. Pulag, I befriended the LGBT community sector...I became friends with a lot of Baguio artists...I became friends with environmentalists...I reached out to any one who needed my attention...I gave my time and forgot all of my life drama...
I had to find myself...I had to reinvent myself, I had to be someone else apart from this woman who is just bitter and scorned...
The energy of a heartbroken woman was so strong...I was even able to live alone in Thailand for 3 months...in fact I was able to accomplish so many things after my heart got broken..
I became friends with every possible group you can think of in Baguio just so I can find myself. Who am I...and right now after joining so many groups I can finally create my own path..
.I began to understand what I really wanted in life...or at least I believe I am closer to an authentic life...
Everyday we lose our past. I lost it, without noticing the days went by and I was no longer the heartbroken girl...lost and trying my very best to cope with what I cannot change. I am no longer defined by my past experiences...I was able to change the picture of my life...
I have learned that:
You cannot change the mind of someone who has decided they don't love you anymore, you can try... you can try as many times as you want--but every step will also make you realize--that if you love yourself you don't need to chase anyone--you don't need to prove your worth to anyone...those who truly value you will stay and see that worth.
I was able to realize who I really was by getting my heart broken.
Realizing that I lost the past every day...I just can't help but feel relaxed. I sometimes miss the feeling of the scorned bitter woman which is a normal feeling for someone who is suddenly so calm and peaceful...I miss the feeling of crying because I lost someone...because I can't cry anymore..I had less and less reasons to be sad about life, my days are filled with laughter, with grin, with smiles with amazement and never ending interest...
I miss blaming someone else for why my life is fucked up...but then you wake up one day and realize you cannot blame anyone...it is you alone who has to face the music...
it is only you who is responsible for your happiness...and then you take charge--you get hold of your life and you start taking the steps to the real you.
I miss the ability of writing so many poems about my heart ache and the love that was not reciprocated, but after awhile it gets old.
Sometimes I try to recreate the strong energy of wanting someone so much...but then I can't fake something I don't feel anymore. I'd rather plant somewhere, I'd rather be cooking in an event somewhere, I would rather be baking somewhere...I would rather be traveling...than crying my heart out...
Without realizing it...TIME healed me and I began to accept.
The acceptance was not immediate but it came...it came without me noticing for a very long time.
I sometimes wish I can still feel that much--but life has transformed me. I wish I was still that innocence but my mind works faster now...
You can't choose to remain feeling like you are still a caterpillar when you already know you can spread your wings because you are now without a doubt a butterfly...
You just realize that you are not lonely anymore.
I used to stare at the stars feeling the inner longing of my soul for someone that will never go back.
In the end we don't own anyone and nobody owns us...we are just here to face life from day to day...
I used to stare at the sky for hours wondering...nowadays I just go near the terrace and look at the stars and how lovely they are.
It is true...every day you lose your past, every day you become someone new.
One day like me you will sleep at night with a calm mind--you just have to fight for it and want it so bad...just like every heart broken woman in the world who was able to heal their heart....
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