When you love someone, but you know you cannot make them happy

He was a boy I fell in love with a long time ago, he was no one special- he was as plain as it could be, he had no special talents-nothing to separate him from the rest. He was not even kind, and he might just be one of the meanest person I have ever met.

He has this dark hair, that was always unkempt, he tries to put gel in it and although a few stands will stand up... it will still look greasy.
He has one of the most imperfect skin I have ever seen, with pimples and spots all over...he wears the lousiest mismatched shirt and pants.
He has this odd laugh, maniacal laughter.....he keeps a lot of secrets in his head..he paints...pictures that are odd and do not even look creative...

and I hate it...I hate it...because he is still running endlessly in my head. Despite all of the stupid things I could say about him I still love him..

I guess you cannot choose who to love, you cannot decide to remove someone in your life...

  When I met him...I was a troubled person and although I can say I feel better now...I am still in the process of resolving things about myself...there always seems to be something that is not working with my life...

There was always something that happens that would make us fight each other--despite my best efforts I could not make  a stable relationship.
At first, I knew he genuinely did want to make the relationship work but perhaps our difference became so apparent.

We had different religious beliefs, we had different group of friends, we had a different background, we both wanted to live another kind of life...and even if I fought for as long as I could I know that we would just be hurting each other.

I still tried to get him back numerous times to the point of losing myself, I tried for 3x times and failed miserably.
And I had to stop not because he could not love me back--but because I could not make him happy.
I had to give up, I had to back down...because deep inside I knew that even if he loved me back...I still would not be able to make him happy...

You see I don't know how to express my love- I did not see it in my family- I have no idea how a woman should love a man...I don't have family members to compare the relationship with--I don't know how to love someone without competing, I don't know how to love someone without manipulating, I only know how to love someone in my mind-- I don't know how to do this in real life--and each time I attempt I end up destroying my own self...

I could never be the source of his joy...I wanted to promise him that I would always be there- that I would  guide him through the days-but I always say the wrong things- I always somehow end up doing the wrong things...

It felt good to protect him, it felt good to put a pillow on his head when he forgets it as he sleeps. He once told me, he felt I was his guardian..I always felt that I needed to take care of him- but I am not strong, not as strong as I hope to be.

It was not him, but me who was my greatest enemy when it came to loving him.

 I really wanted to do all that I can to make him smile...but each time I try to get close to him--something always gets out of hand--the pain he makes me feel...is nothing to the pain I experience whenever I realize that I could not fulfill any of my promises..I could not contain my ego, my arrogance, my anger...try as hard as I could I was no good...I always end up hurting the man I have vowed to love...


I realize that no relationship can be perfect, that when I have chosen to love him I would create mistakes over and over again...but each time I commit these mistakes I feel more inadequate...I want to love him as pure as I can...as gentle as I can...as strong as I can--but my needs always gets in the way because I am still in this human form unable to transcend anything but my human needs...and I know that no matter how many partner I will have in the future I will just be the same person...I will just be repeating these mistakes...my cycle of mistakes and I will just hate myself over and over again..

Perhaps this is the reason why I am cold...why I no longer want to put my heart out there...I don't want to inflict pain- because each time I inflict pain I am not able to look at myself...

There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about him, the first time we held each others hands, the way he laughs is inside my head...when I see fireworks I remember him, when I hear the word stranger I think of him...he is still in everything that I do...and I hate it...I hate it to the core. I abhor it...I abhor the fact that I cannot do anything about it.

There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss him...I always see him sitting beside me in a riverbank saying nothing.

I always see him in my dreams but we say nothing..he is always with someone else..he is always far away even in my dreams...

I wish I could forgive myself...I wish I could forgive myself...